I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
