there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
