Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
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i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
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also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.