He's been sleeping iwht ***
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.