Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
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Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
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I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
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