Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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