do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
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