Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...