If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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