bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
