Who did Billy Mays play for?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
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He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
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Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things