i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Randomize
