Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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