First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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