The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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