I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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