I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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