you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
love how google fills in search terms for you, today for example, i ran a query for "why do girls get t"
and google finished it w/ "ramp stamps."
I felt less weird knowing others had searched this before me.
i think my mom watched the whole time
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Randomize
