Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
I could make wine with my vomit
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Randomize