We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
They have beer where we have blood.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
