Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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