The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Terrible idea I love it
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
