That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Randomize
