I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Randomize
