I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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