I got chris browned last night
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
