he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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