ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
These People Had Regrettable One Night Stands
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
This Girl Makes Latte Art That’s Too Cute to Drink
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions