If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls