Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
