So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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