When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
