what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You ruined the universe
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
