He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
