quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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