when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
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no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
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I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize