The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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