I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
