I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
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He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
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Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
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