is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
