I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
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Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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