I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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