There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
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some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
This baby is an asshole
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Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This is my gift to your gina
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.