I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Randomize
