That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
