so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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