I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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