I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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