whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I've blown a few things in my day
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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