just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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