You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
