Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
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sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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